I am so sick of my self.

So it has been a few days since I was too the gym Saturday was a road/ boat trip and Sunday was well sun was. Then Monday comes around our air quits it is almost 100 and I can not face it so my wonder cousin seriously wonderful family gave us their old one one. that turned out to be knew so by the time we get it hooked up and running I am hot sick starving and it is 11 pm. so there goes Monday. First good night sleep in 2 days last night being cool enough to actually rest works wonders for me. So today rolls round and I am still struggling to get to the gym by my self seriously this is a problem. My hubby is going with me later maybe if I keep going to the gym this will turn around I like the movie version of facing fears better quick montage or just doing something once you are all done with the fear part of it. your golden. Sigh, if life was only as easy as that. I am going later. building up my good experiences this will not beat me. Correction I will not defeat my self there is already so much working against me I will not help out in my own defeat.

Gym fear helper

SO I am still going everyday to the gym it has been very stressful for me. I do everyday try to push my self a little further a little longer on this thing a little more reps with those things. The anxiety has been so much for me so today I deployed the gym anxiety bust well actually call rescue remedy it helps I still had a bit of apprehension going in but not over whelming I still had to convince my self out the door but once out I felt ok about it. Now if I can convince my Dog it is a good thing for me to go that would be wonderful.

The fear

SO the idea of going to the gym by my self is daunting to me today. Ugh I am so not liking my fear of this I am not going to let this control me. And yet my feet are not letting me get out the door. I hate that this is stopping me yesterday was such a good experience. I am anoid with my self for this so much

The deed is done

                       So with all the anxiety I could muster I went in asked the 14 year old at the counter that I wanted to sign up so he called back to this other 15 years old to do the deed. As we walked up I see the look of oh crap in his face. I sign the wavers and he takes us around to show us the place this is the free weights and back here is the salt water pool here is the ladies work out space encase they are intimidated by the bigger guys (in my head I am thinking I care not about the guys it is the bitchy women I am freaked out about that are going to mock me later.) then this is the theater work out room where you can watch a movie in the dark and work out. then it is over to the desk to fill out paper work her has warmed up to the fat lady coming to join the gym and is way more pleasant than the start. They snap the photo and give me the key card and I am golden to work out. So off to the darkness of the theater to watch the prison football movie that is playing very appropriate I think to work out to I think. So in there this great idea becomes a problem when I can not see how to start to treadmill I am trying to walk on because it is dark. My resourceful husband after a few min finds  his cell phone and shines it on there to see it than starts mine as well. perfect we are walking and watching. this is going well. After a little bit it is time to switch the bike proves too much for my knee and so I move on to the ball medicine and big exercise one this is where I finish my stuff. 45 min later we are good to go. So glad I went to do this I feel good it was well worth it not as bad as I thought this time anyway. I had my Hubby with me tomorrow morning and Tuesday when I have to meet with "Alison" to talk of my plan may be another story. sigh I am taking the win today and hoping tomorrow morning proves to be as good an experience.

the anxiety of it all.

SO we are joining this gym today. ugh I am both excited and nervousness about it. I have literally had nightmares about people women mostly trying to be "helpful" then send me into bitchiness or tears. I had a great one liner in my dream I said back to one particularly rude women "Since we are handing free advice to strangers, Let me give you some. It is rude to talk to people that way please refrain from it, it is hurtful and Bitchy." Oh the dream that I would have the state of mind or the guts to actually say it. Here is hoping the actual experience is nicer than my dreams. Gyms have had one good experience in my life as an adult right before I screwed up my knee other wise it has been a nightmare of Jazzercise and humiliation. But since that last one was good I am going on that energy and trying to repress that jazz hand memories.