Buddy System

Ok I am writing this in hopes I can get my butt to the gym by my self. My worry about my husband going with his brother in the AM making it not as likely he will go with me in the pm has come true, well that and he has been on on call and called almost every time we have planed to go this week. I do not blame him I would not be so keen to go 2 times a day, oh wait that is one of my goals. My brother in-law needs him he is going through a divorce with phyco Charo. GRRRRRRR. I need to get over this fear of going by my self. I need this I like this I am so bound in feeling judged I am frozen unable to do it! I hate this I  want this so much for me I need a work out buddy. seriously I do even if it is just for a while till I get going, the support from friends and loved ones is great. right now I need the physical support of someone there. Not that is has to be fallowing me around or anything just someone to go with so I feel like less of a freak walking in and leaving. If I am feeling the need to hide I can go in the dark room. I know it is just an hour but it just is so daunting to do it.

they see me rollin...

I have been spotty at best the last 2 weeks at going to the gym I want to go but hate the alone time in the gym. I am better about the going and lifting with the big muscle heads and jerky teen boys staring at the fat lady lifting weights while my hubby is there. makes it easier to take. I find it funny that since I am the one that talked to a trainer and hubby is trying to use my exercises. I have to be correcting his form while people walking past look on with confusion at the fat woman directing the skinny man.  Since I am not willing to go alone and hubby is on call I miss days when we are ready to go and the phone rings and he is off to save lives or patch boo boo's. I love it though I love going I love confusing the jocks and something really good about just moving and doing good for me. I am surrounded by support. A few I wish I lived closer to so I could be work out buddies with them. Hubby is going to start going with his brother in the am so I am a little worried about him not wanting to go 2 times a day. I don't blame him his brother needs him I need to find a way to suck it up and get there and do more than hid in the dark room walking on a treadmill by myself.

The new me?????

                    I am not sure what happened I found it at least the last two days I have I found determination. I am not sure if something freed in me or what but I am so both ok with me and ready to work at being stronger. It feels good, more confidant some how. I went to the gym with my hubby last night and I sawed him the work out the trainer showed me. I had no qualms about walking back to the weights and doing it. I think some of that was having some one to go with: the other part was all me. I am ready to do standing firm and setting goals. imagine that I have an idea where I want to go and how I am going to get there. I hope this last I hope I did find some measure of freedom in going back to my 20th reunion. What ever it is I found I like it and I am hoping to build on it.

I am so sick of my self.

So it has been a few days since I was too the gym Saturday was a road/ boat trip and Sunday was well sun was. Then Monday comes around our air quits it is almost 100 and I can not face it so my wonder cousin seriously wonderful family gave us their old one one. that turned out to be knew so by the time we get it hooked up and running I am hot sick starving and it is 11 pm. so there goes Monday. First good night sleep in 2 days last night being cool enough to actually rest works wonders for me. So today rolls round and I am still struggling to get to the gym by my self seriously this is a problem. My hubby is going with me later maybe if I keep going to the gym this will turn around I like the movie version of facing fears better quick montage or just doing something once you are all done with the fear part of it. your golden. Sigh, if life was only as easy as that. I am going later. building up my good experiences this will not beat me. Correction I will not defeat my self there is already so much working against me I will not help out in my own defeat.

Gym fear helper

SO I am still going everyday to the gym it has been very stressful for me. I do everyday try to push my self a little further a little longer on this thing a little more reps with those things. The anxiety has been so much for me so today I deployed the gym anxiety bust well actually call rescue remedy it helps I still had a bit of apprehension going in but not over whelming I still had to convince my self out the door but once out I felt ok about it. Now if I can convince my Dog it is a good thing for me to go that would be wonderful.

The fear

SO the idea of going to the gym by my self is daunting to me today. Ugh I am so not liking my fear of this I am not going to let this control me. And yet my feet are not letting me get out the door. I hate that this is stopping me yesterday was such a good experience. I am anoid with my self for this so much

The deed is done

                       So with all the anxiety I could muster I went in asked the 14 year old at the counter that I wanted to sign up so he called back to this other 15 years old to do the deed. As we walked up I see the look of oh crap in his face. I sign the wavers and he takes us around to show us the place this is the free weights and back here is the salt water pool here is the ladies work out space encase they are intimidated by the bigger guys (in my head I am thinking I care not about the guys it is the bitchy women I am freaked out about that are going to mock me later.) then this is the theater work out room where you can watch a movie in the dark and work out. then it is over to the desk to fill out paper work her has warmed up to the fat lady coming to join the gym and is way more pleasant than the start. They snap the photo and give me the key card and I am golden to work out. So off to the darkness of the theater to watch the prison football movie that is playing very appropriate I think to work out to I think. So in there this great idea becomes a problem when I can not see how to start to treadmill I am trying to walk on because it is dark. My resourceful husband after a few min finds  his cell phone and shines it on there to see it than starts mine as well. perfect we are walking and watching. this is going well. After a little bit it is time to switch the bike proves too much for my knee and so I move on to the ball medicine and big exercise one this is where I finish my stuff. 45 min later we are good to go. So glad I went to do this I feel good it was well worth it not as bad as I thought this time anyway. I had my Hubby with me tomorrow morning and Tuesday when I have to meet with "Alison" to talk of my plan may be another story. sigh I am taking the win today and hoping tomorrow morning proves to be as good an experience.