Better

I had a thought today I had to share so I am doing this to feel better not be better. that is the lie I am dealing with in my head that somehow this is going to make me better. I will still be me just feeling better. I waver between the idea of it making me feel better and making look like a raisin shrived with no fat to prop up the skin. But today I go with better feeling.

My body attacked me

I have not written much this week because my body attacked me. I am on the mend now but I can say it is supper hard for me to stay on track with eating well when I am not well. You think I would be so much the other way eating healthy for health but it never feels that way. I was good though I did modify some comfort food but stuck to eating well. I am not a fan of Meds and prefer the natural things it takes a bit longer to kick in but I am ok with that. SO I found the right things and am gaining energy by Monday I should be raring to get back to the routine or the new routine or as I am hoping it to be the rest of my life.

reworking

So I realized I sabotaged my self I had made up this amazing meal plan  with a 5 week rotation so we would not get bored filled with all recipes we liked till we tried them and had to replace a few we would not like to eat again. I had placed a special healthy acceptable treat in every week not a lame-o  diet tasting one but real good healthy alternatives that taste amazing. I had a general plan for breakfast and lunch. So how I sabotaged my self I was not eating my treats I had not made a specific plan for breakfast or lunch so I was eating the same thing getting sick of it hating it and spinning off into eating not so great things.  So today My hubby and I sat down a worked out the breakfasts for all 5 weeks the lunches too replaced the things that did not work so well and talked about making sure we did all the stuff in the week. I am excited lets see how this round goes with the replacements in place and the new attention to breakfasts and lunches. :)

Just do it.

So the struggle for me is just doing it. I know that sounds stupid I want to I understand what I should be doing but I feel trapped but the idea of an object at rest tends to stay at rest. I am struggling to become an object in motion. I am determined to do so determined to stop starting and continue. One year from now I want to see the difference in a big way, not just in size but in ability to engage in life more. This is my goal not that rest will not fallow. Sigh if only it did not take some much internal changing of habits. I am so very grateful for the close friends I have to support me making it easier to talk about the struggle taking the shame out of it. Even the online private group I am in has so much hope for me holding both those of us struggling and those that have made the changes cheering each other on. With out this I would have no hope so Thank You (you know who you are)!

learning and unlearning

For a long time I have been learning and retraining my brain and appetite to crave good things I like them now I really do even get grossed out by things that are not good for me, Friday I tried to have a Pepsi and had to get water instead because it was too much sweetness. But learning to really enjoy eating itself  is hard eating has not been easy it has always been a bad thing shameful something to get through because you had to. It is a new idea to make it something to look forward to. Weird idea since so much of my life has seems so controlled by food in a bad bad way not so much something to actually take care of me something to take in. that is new it seems so much a struggle for me and it should not be. This new idea is something I want very bad but have not found it yet but I longing to have.

insight

So this last weekend I had a few friends over and they prayed for me about my relationship with food. it was very interesting and in lighting to me I felt a huge lift after words and just feel like things are tumbling into place in my head with things that do not line up in my thinking and my head.  It will take me a while to muddle through it all. But real world action change I changed what I did for work out to some yoga Breathing and stretches from a dance type work out the mind set of how it made me feel to do the different way lighter and more peaceful not so much negative yuck that comes with a lot of the other work out stuff. so I think I found a new path for movement being in my life.

The norm

One thing I can not get used to is over cooked baked fish from places. I like the healthy food I just dislike how poorly prepared it is here. I think it might be easier to do the healthy thing in a place where it was the norm instead of the exception.

Well I never got to my next try at exercising yesterday my head attacked me. I am glad I found the reason for my nausea yesterday though today has been proven to be far better day for it. REady to work hard hoping I can get some good results.

New view

Taking a look at my new motivation has been a preoccupation with me today I was feeling a bit stupid for letting a trip be so important to me. I think things have been that same so long I just could not muster a change. I had an in lighting chat with a friend of mine about it on line. She was not surprised nor found it silly that this would motivate me, she is motivated the same way the want to be able to do what she wants to do keeps her going too. It has been a number of years since that I hurt so much I could not move when I was ill. I think that happened so long I forgot some of the things I long to do I feel the desire to be able to do them coming back to me it has felt so frustrating to me as this has happened because I just could not. I hope this lasts for me I like the idea of not being so trapped by my body.