Buddy System

Ok I am writing this in hopes I can get my butt to the gym by my self. My worry about my husband going with his brother in the AM making it not as likely he will go with me in the pm has come true, well that and he has been on on call and called almost every time we have planed to go this week. I do not blame him I would not be so keen to go 2 times a day, oh wait that is one of my goals. My brother in-law needs him he is going through a divorce with phyco Charo. GRRRRRRR. I need to get over this fear of going by my self. I need this I like this I am so bound in feeling judged I am frozen unable to do it! I hate this I  want this so much for me I need a work out buddy. seriously I do even if it is just for a while till I get going, the support from friends and loved ones is great. right now I need the physical support of someone there. Not that is has to be fallowing me around or anything just someone to go with so I feel like less of a freak walking in and leaving. If I am feeling the need to hide I can go in the dark room. I know it is just an hour but it just is so daunting to do it.

they see me rollin...

I have been spotty at best the last 2 weeks at going to the gym I want to go but hate the alone time in the gym. I am better about the going and lifting with the big muscle heads and jerky teen boys staring at the fat lady lifting weights while my hubby is there. makes it easier to take. I find it funny that since I am the one that talked to a trainer and hubby is trying to use my exercises. I have to be correcting his form while people walking past look on with confusion at the fat woman directing the skinny man.  Since I am not willing to go alone and hubby is on call I miss days when we are ready to go and the phone rings and he is off to save lives or patch boo boo's. I love it though I love going I love confusing the jocks and something really good about just moving and doing good for me. I am surrounded by support. A few I wish I lived closer to so I could be work out buddies with them. Hubby is going to start going with his brother in the am so I am a little worried about him not wanting to go 2 times a day. I don't blame him his brother needs him I need to find a way to suck it up and get there and do more than hid in the dark room walking on a treadmill by myself.

The new me?????

                    I am not sure what happened I found it at least the last two days I have I found determination. I am not sure if something freed in me or what but I am so both ok with me and ready to work at being stronger. It feels good, more confidant some how. I went to the gym with my hubby last night and I sawed him the work out the trainer showed me. I had no qualms about walking back to the weights and doing it. I think some of that was having some one to go with: the other part was all me. I am ready to do standing firm and setting goals. imagine that I have an idea where I want to go and how I am going to get there. I hope this last I hope I did find some measure of freedom in going back to my 20th reunion. What ever it is I found I like it and I am hoping to build on it.

I am so sick of my self.

So it has been a few days since I was too the gym Saturday was a road/ boat trip and Sunday was well sun was. Then Monday comes around our air quits it is almost 100 and I can not face it so my wonder cousin seriously wonderful family gave us their old one one. that turned out to be knew so by the time we get it hooked up and running I am hot sick starving and it is 11 pm. so there goes Monday. First good night sleep in 2 days last night being cool enough to actually rest works wonders for me. So today rolls round and I am still struggling to get to the gym by my self seriously this is a problem. My hubby is going with me later maybe if I keep going to the gym this will turn around I like the movie version of facing fears better quick montage or just doing something once you are all done with the fear part of it. your golden. Sigh, if life was only as easy as that. I am going later. building up my good experiences this will not beat me. Correction I will not defeat my self there is already so much working against me I will not help out in my own defeat.

Gym fear helper

SO I am still going everyday to the gym it has been very stressful for me. I do everyday try to push my self a little further a little longer on this thing a little more reps with those things. The anxiety has been so much for me so today I deployed the gym anxiety bust well actually call rescue remedy it helps I still had a bit of apprehension going in but not over whelming I still had to convince my self out the door but once out I felt ok about it. Now if I can convince my Dog it is a good thing for me to go that would be wonderful.

The fear

SO the idea of going to the gym by my self is daunting to me today. Ugh I am so not liking my fear of this I am not going to let this control me. And yet my feet are not letting me get out the door. I hate that this is stopping me yesterday was such a good experience. I am anoid with my self for this so much

The deed is done

                       So with all the anxiety I could muster I went in asked the 14 year old at the counter that I wanted to sign up so he called back to this other 15 years old to do the deed. As we walked up I see the look of oh crap in his face. I sign the wavers and he takes us around to show us the place this is the free weights and back here is the salt water pool here is the ladies work out space encase they are intimidated by the bigger guys (in my head I am thinking I care not about the guys it is the bitchy women I am freaked out about that are going to mock me later.) then this is the theater work out room where you can watch a movie in the dark and work out. then it is over to the desk to fill out paper work her has warmed up to the fat lady coming to join the gym and is way more pleasant than the start. They snap the photo and give me the key card and I am golden to work out. So off to the darkness of the theater to watch the prison football movie that is playing very appropriate I think to work out to I think. So in there this great idea becomes a problem when I can not see how to start to treadmill I am trying to walk on because it is dark. My resourceful husband after a few min finds  his cell phone and shines it on there to see it than starts mine as well. perfect we are walking and watching. this is going well. After a little bit it is time to switch the bike proves too much for my knee and so I move on to the ball medicine and big exercise one this is where I finish my stuff. 45 min later we are good to go. So glad I went to do this I feel good it was well worth it not as bad as I thought this time anyway. I had my Hubby with me tomorrow morning and Tuesday when I have to meet with "Alison" to talk of my plan may be another story. sigh I am taking the win today and hoping tomorrow morning proves to be as good an experience.

the anxiety of it all.

SO we are joining this gym today. ugh I am both excited and nervousness about it. I have literally had nightmares about people women mostly trying to be "helpful" then send me into bitchiness or tears. I had a great one liner in my dream I said back to one particularly rude women "Since we are handing free advice to strangers, Let me give you some. It is rude to talk to people that way please refrain from it, it is hurtful and Bitchy." Oh the dream that I would have the state of mind or the guts to actually say it. Here is hoping the actual experience is nicer than my dreams. Gyms have had one good experience in my life as an adult right before I screwed up my knee other wise it has been a nightmare of Jazzercise and humiliation. But since that last one was good I am going on that energy and trying to repress that jazz hand memories.

Poofing the puff

The last few days almost week of the sticky hot mess out side has made  a hot mess out of me and my diet. crap I told my self I would not fall into this trap but Grape Mr misty floats are so awesome when you are staggeringly hot they proved to much for me to resist so I am trying to muster some strength in the cooler day today to push forward. Sigh, Where is the damn Fairy God mother that is going to poof my puff away that bitch is always late.

I am borring my self

I feel like a slacker for not posting more but weight loss is not the most exciting thing in the world it is a long process. I do not understand why it takes up so much interest in such a sensational way in the media. The real life of it is tedious and hard to keep writing about. Probably why more people do not stick with it. So new thing I found I was a little concerned about the lunch choice for this week baked pita chips hummus and fruit. not that I do not like these things they rock. I do prefer soft Pitas to the hard chips but whateves. I was shocked at how filling it actually was I ate way less than I thought I would. Yay for me.

Victory choice

So I have been waiting for this day for a year, but how does one celebrate such a huge historic thing? Normally it would be fab meal fallowed by a screw it we are celebrating sunday or something. But I planned today my celebration be it small will be a nice dinner but not calorie loaded and right now I am going to watch the last of season 2 of Sherlock. Boom that is how it is done!

Risk

Some days I am totally convinced that I will never make it out from under this. I have such a long way to go. I know there is a surgery that can help but it is so expensive I and hesitant to do it, not that I think it is all of the answer I know it is just a tool to help so many have reverted to old behaviors and are not at greater risk than before. I think that risk may be worth it at times.

Better

I had a thought today I had to share so I am doing this to feel better not be better. that is the lie I am dealing with in my head that somehow this is going to make me better. I will still be me just feeling better. I waver between the idea of it making me feel better and making look like a raisin shrived with no fat to prop up the skin. But today I go with better feeling.

My body attacked me

I have not written much this week because my body attacked me. I am on the mend now but I can say it is supper hard for me to stay on track with eating well when I am not well. You think I would be so much the other way eating healthy for health but it never feels that way. I was good though I did modify some comfort food but stuck to eating well. I am not a fan of Meds and prefer the natural things it takes a bit longer to kick in but I am ok with that. SO I found the right things and am gaining energy by Monday I should be raring to get back to the routine or the new routine or as I am hoping it to be the rest of my life.

reworking

So I realized I sabotaged my self I had made up this amazing meal plan  with a 5 week rotation so we would not get bored filled with all recipes we liked till we tried them and had to replace a few we would not like to eat again. I had placed a special healthy acceptable treat in every week not a lame-o  diet tasting one but real good healthy alternatives that taste amazing. I had a general plan for breakfast and lunch. So how I sabotaged my self I was not eating my treats I had not made a specific plan for breakfast or lunch so I was eating the same thing getting sick of it hating it and spinning off into eating not so great things.  So today My hubby and I sat down a worked out the breakfasts for all 5 weeks the lunches too replaced the things that did not work so well and talked about making sure we did all the stuff in the week. I am excited lets see how this round goes with the replacements in place and the new attention to breakfasts and lunches. :)

Just do it.

So the struggle for me is just doing it. I know that sounds stupid I want to I understand what I should be doing but I feel trapped but the idea of an object at rest tends to stay at rest. I am struggling to become an object in motion. I am determined to do so determined to stop starting and continue. One year from now I want to see the difference in a big way, not just in size but in ability to engage in life more. This is my goal not that rest will not fallow. Sigh if only it did not take some much internal changing of habits. I am so very grateful for the close friends I have to support me making it easier to talk about the struggle taking the shame out of it. Even the online private group I am in has so much hope for me holding both those of us struggling and those that have made the changes cheering each other on. With out this I would have no hope so Thank You (you know who you are)!

learning and unlearning

For a long time I have been learning and retraining my brain and appetite to crave good things I like them now I really do even get grossed out by things that are not good for me, Friday I tried to have a Pepsi and had to get water instead because it was too much sweetness. But learning to really enjoy eating itself  is hard eating has not been easy it has always been a bad thing shameful something to get through because you had to. It is a new idea to make it something to look forward to. Weird idea since so much of my life has seems so controlled by food in a bad bad way not so much something to actually take care of me something to take in. that is new it seems so much a struggle for me and it should not be. This new idea is something I want very bad but have not found it yet but I longing to have.

insight

So this last weekend I had a few friends over and they prayed for me about my relationship with food. it was very interesting and in lighting to me I felt a huge lift after words and just feel like things are tumbling into place in my head with things that do not line up in my thinking and my head.  It will take me a while to muddle through it all. But real world action change I changed what I did for work out to some yoga Breathing and stretches from a dance type work out the mind set of how it made me feel to do the different way lighter and more peaceful not so much negative yuck that comes with a lot of the other work out stuff. so I think I found a new path for movement being in my life.

The norm

One thing I can not get used to is over cooked baked fish from places. I like the healthy food I just dislike how poorly prepared it is here. I think it might be easier to do the healthy thing in a place where it was the norm instead of the exception.

Well I never got to my next try at exercising yesterday my head attacked me. I am glad I found the reason for my nausea yesterday though today has been proven to be far better day for it. REady to work hard hoping I can get some good results.

New view

Taking a look at my new motivation has been a preoccupation with me today I was feeling a bit stupid for letting a trip be so important to me. I think things have been that same so long I just could not muster a change. I had an in lighting chat with a friend of mine about it on line. She was not surprised nor found it silly that this would motivate me, she is motivated the same way the want to be able to do what she wants to do keeps her going too. It has been a number of years since that I hurt so much I could not move when I was ill. I think that happened so long I forgot some of the things I long to do I feel the desire to be able to do them coming back to me it has felt so frustrating to me as this has happened because I just could not. I hope this lasts for me I like the idea of not being so trapped by my body.

had it!

SO on Saturday I started doing exercises probably not as much as I should have but I wanted to save my knee for the birthday party Saturday. That how ever lead me to having it go on me there. I was so embarrassed having to stop so quick and not being able to do what should have been simple. I was so defeated felt like such a fool not being able to do something so simple. I struggled all day yesterday to fight my way to starting again but could not bring my self to do it. I have had it with letting embarrassing stop me so I woke up this morning and jumped right in do not do as much as I wanted but a friend told me what you do all day accumulates so I am doing more later enough of letting shame rule here I am going for it.

Ugh! Done waiting.

here we go firing up my determination. From every thing I have learned about me and good reminders from a friend I am convinced I need to get my sleep in order to help me with energy and get going on being more active but this is going to stop being a when I get it in order for me I am doing this today. wish me luch I am much more inclined to do this in the am.

The start

Ok so here we go. This is not the start of my trying to loose weight but it is  (say it strong) the end of my starting over or again. I have set the path made a 5 week menu plan at this moment I am on week 4ish and am still refining some things on the list . I am want to make a menu  I would be ok fallowing all my days with out feeling like a punishment or a diet. This has healthy treats built in and a special meal once a week, Two days of optional out to eat to learn to live real life, (because no one in our day can stay home and cook like a little house on the prairie wife any more having tried all the stay home and cook everything your self stuff it just is not practical we have at least 2 days a week this does not fly so we built them in to the plan) and one special breakfast for a Saturday or Sunday. I am not special or different from anyone in any way I was ill from food allergies for a number of years so I learned a few things about healthy eating so far they have helped make me feel a bit better but now they are going to help me thin my waist.. I weight more than I am willing to write here and struggle more than I have over come in this area. This is a big chance putting me and my struggle/ triumphs out in to the blog o' world for comment is scary to me, but, I am hoping to use this as accountability of some kind. I used to feel it before I got sick and gained so much more than I had lost at the gym I had been going to for 5 months daily before my illness stopped me. But as I joined that gym and committed to going even though I knew in my head the people there did not care if I came or not but some how I knew some where there was record I did it. so we start here. I am determined and away we go.......